<@Satoshi> [Date: Friday, March 5th. It's evening in Japan and morning in Maine.] <@Satoshi> [Satoshi Watanabe is pacing in his dorm room, looking at the clock every so often. It's almost time for him to call Kaede.] <@Satoshi> [There is pacing, and clock-watching, and more pacing, and more clock-watching, until it actually *is* the time to call Kaede.] <@Satoshi> [And so he does.] <@Satoshi> [Session Start!] [Satoshi gets the response "If you'd like to make a call. Please hang up and dial again." No, not really. But it does seem like the kind of message Kaede would leave.] <@Satoshi> [It really does.] [Nevertheless, it does take a few moments and a few more rings than normal before the phone picks up on the other end. "Takeuchi here."] <@Satoshi> Hey, Kaede. * Kaede shifts the phone to the other shoulder. There's some background sounds of traffic in the other end. Fortunately for Satoshi, he isn't a Katie and picking up on random conversations. "I was expecting you would be ready to get right to business. What do we need? Or am I acting too fast?" * @Satoshi doesn't hesistate. "I need advice." *Then* he hesitates. "I've come to some... realizations lately. About why I've been feeling the way I've been feeling. The fact that I keep saying I don't want people to think I'm running away." * Kaede's footsteps in the background stops and a car passes by. Kaede waits a few moments before saying "...and you wanted to do this over phone?" <@Satoshi> "Well, I can't exactly come see you in person, can I?" Satoshi asks. "And I wanted to do it before I could change my mind and back out." * Kaede sighs and Satoshi can probably imagine him taking off his glasses to rub his nose very slowly before he speaks into the receiver end. "Well. E- mail. I...just. I thought this was important." * @Satoshi lets out a frustrated sound. "This *is* important. Okay, it's maybe not important in the sense of 'The World is coming to get us all' important. But it is important and it is Arcana-related. Because I started feeling this way when Kyon called me in the middle of the night to say that Katie had disappeared." His voice gets quieter. "And I think I started feeling this way because it was Katie." * Kaede stops in his tracks. "....because it was Katie?" * @Satoshi swallows. "Yeah." * Kaede's voice is devoid of any hints on what he might be feeling. Straight stony. "What do you mean?" * @Satoshi is very quiet as he speaks. "Because I... because I was a shitty person and I pretty much straight-up abandoned her back then. And even though we've started talking again... I wonder if she still thinks that I'm abandoning her now. That I'm running away. I keep asking people if they think I'm running away. But I haven't asked her. Because I'm afraid she'll say, 'Of course you are, Satoshi. Isn't that what you do?'" "IS that what you do, Satoshi?" * @Satoshi sits down on his bed. "I don't know. I didn't think of it as running away, to come here." He shifts slightly. "But Taki seemed to think it was, and when *Taki*, of all people, suggests you're running away..." * Kaede finishes Satoshi's sentence for him. "Then you're dealing with a hypocrite." He keeps wandering down towards the rail system. "I'm not certain what you want from me here, Watanabe-san. Comfort? Reassurance? A swift jolt of reality?" * @Satoshi exhales sharply. "I'll admit to feeling insulted when she said that. But essentially... I think I need to talk to Katie. Get it all out there. Because, okay, we've started talking to each other again, and things are going okay, but the past is just this huge thing in the middle of the room that we're both trying to look around instead of deal with." He's quiet for a few moments. "You guys... you're still close. I... what I really want is some advice on how to talk to her about it." * Kaede scoffs, for the moment, before replying. It sounds like he's stopped again. "How many steps, Watanabe-san?" * @Satoshi sighs. "Not so many that I chicken out before I get through them all. Or before I even start... actually, no. This is the first step. So I've at least gotten so far." He snerks. "Go me." * Kaede is waiting now. It sounds like noises of a train station in the background. Including the sounds of light rail and the announcer of the next available train in the background. "I meant how many am I directing you for? How many steps do I need to point you in the right direction? Is this a long term commitment?" * @Satoshi shifts again. "I don't know. I mean, I want to get things to the point where... I want..." More quiet. "I don't want to cause a huge rift in the group right while we're in the middle of dealing with big Arcana things. But we're probably going to be dealing with big Arcana things for a while. And Katie, she... she can *work* with people even if she kind of hates them. So worst case scenario... worst case scenario, we burn it instead of having a few rickety planks that we pretend is a nice, sturdy bridge." * Kaede closes his eyes, his voice mildly impatient but also a little softer. "...and if I tell you, how many people will you try to call or text or message after me before you feel assured that you're making the right decision?" <@Satoshi> "Nobody," Satoshi says, his voice firm. "It's just you and only you." * Kaede remains unconvinced. "You have this bad habit, Satoshi. It's kind of ironic really. For somebody who goes by the moniker of Judgement, you have a VERY difficult time trusting your own." His hand is in his pocket as his slightly harsher tone softens. "Quite honestly, I think that is a more important area to tackle." <@Satoshi> "Yeah, well, I didn't *ask* to be Judgement," Satoshi says, sharply, before adding, in a more quiet voice, "...not that I'm saying that it's an excuse." Another pause. "You're right. Not trusting my judgement is what got me into this situation. Which is why I'm scared to trust it to try and get me out." * Kaede snorts. But there's slight amusement in his voice. "You sounded like Fukuyen right there." * @Satoshi's voice goes cold. "...what? What do you mean by that?" "I didn't ask to be Judgement." *He sighs a little. "I don't mean it as an insult. But it's exactly the same excuse she used. For inaction. For not standing up to people who asked her to use her massive power to harm people." Kaede> "You say it isn't an excuse, so why even bring it up? It's the truth. And it's unimportant. Why make it that way?" <@Satoshi> "Oh my god, I was just *venting*!" Satoshi says. "Am I not allowed to do that? Sorry, am I never allowed to express brief frustration at things even when I *know* they're not excuses? But, okay, let's go there. Why not? Why do I, Satoshi Watanabe, wish that I weren't Judgement? Let's count the ways. One. Judgement was the big huge scary thing that everyone was hunting. We know that's a lie *now*. But when I first found out, we didn't." * @Satoshi keeps getting louder. "Two. Because I, in fact, am not Satoshi Watanabe, but rather, Hideo Watanabe. Evil bastard and the reason *why* everyone is so scared of Judgement. Because he just stood by and let people *die* in front of him instead of doing something and I don't want to be him-" Satoshi abruptly gets quiet. "He just stood by and let people die," he repeats, softly. "I don't want to be him." * Kaede freezes up. His breathing is on the other end. Barely. But he's totally silent at the other end of Satoshi's torrent. * @Satoshi is also quiet. "So maybe that's part of it, too," he finally says. "Not wanting to repeat my mistakes or his." More silence. "But it's so tempting, so very easy, to decide by not deciding. To slide back towards being a lump." * Kaede's voice is quiet on the other end. It does finally come into focus though. "...it's strange really." <@Satoshi> Yeah? * Kaede is still quiet. "Up until this point, we've...we've really only talked if it was business, haven't we?" He pauses before he admits. "...you never talk about these things, Watanabe-san." * @Satoshi exhales slowly. "I think I'm ready to start talking about it." * Kaede is still hesitant. "Why now? Why not then?" * @Satoshi turns sideways so he can put his feet up on the bed. "Because I was overwhelmed by guilt and fear and I felt like there just wasn't a way out of it." His voice gets very soft. "Because I felt like someone had just told me that I wasn't a real person." * Kaede snorts again. Not in an annoyed way. "Katie wasn't any less a person when people thought she was Judgement. Do you really think it would change anything when we found out you were?" * Kaede takes a break to breathe as it sounds like he's getting on the light rail here. "But you're right. There was a lot of build up to who Judgement was. Before we found out that it was you all along." * @Satoshi snerks. "So I'm an anticlimax, huh? Good to know." He pauses. "It wasn't so much Judgement as it was Hideo. And, I mean... I was even kind of okay with that before I had the vision. Before I was trapped in Hideo's body." Another pause. "I *know* the past can't be changed. I just..." He sighs. "And now, despite having said that... I still sometimes wonder what kind of person just stands there when Senshirou beats the shit out of one of his friends." * Kaede's voice has the opportunity to turn cold this time. "The kind who respects his friends decision to take care of it." <@Satoshi> "...well," Satoshi says after a little bit. "I guess it's good to know I made the right decision back then." His voice gets very soft. "He really hurt you, though. I still want to hurt him. Even after all this time. It's stupid, I know. I should let go. Keep respecting your decision." * Kaede's tone has a vague hint of amusement. "But it's hard for other people not to butt out, isn't it there?" <@Satoshi> Very. * Kaede pauses, just for a moment, before replying. "...but you're not an anti-climax. It didn't magically change who you were. It didn't alter who you were. It's just Satoshi Watanabe. *Just* Satoshi Watanabe. If any of that brought back Hideo...." His voice cuts out at that point. Though sounds more like he's just stopped talking. * @Satoshi takes a very deep breath. "Hideo could *do* things, though. Like... Judge people. All those shadows in the World Reversed that only I can see? That's because of Judgement. All the Judgements, not just Hideo, but... I can't do that, Kaede. Even if I wanted to, for some ungodly reason? I don't actually know how. I don't know if it's something Temperance did or if I'm sealed somehow, but I'm afraid that if I go poking around too much, Hideo comes back." "So we take care of that when it comes to it. Just like we took care of all the things that have happened to us thus far. Why are you *worried* about something that hasn't happened, Satoshi? If it comes to a point where we have to deal with it, we deal with it." * Kaede stops himself, eyes closed in his train seat, before adding, "So this has to do with speaking with Katie so far?" * @Satoshi makes an amused sound. "Is your advice to trust myself?" * Kaede snerks. "Maybe. Mostly I was pointing out that we got so far off track we are barely even in the same country." He sombers, gently adding. "Well. Present circumstances excluded." * @Satoshi laughs. "I was going to say." * Kaede gets more serious as he adds, "More I don't want to give you advice, Watanabe-san. So you tell me. How *do* you want to approach her?" * @Satoshi lies down. "Ideally, it would be in person, but I don't want to wait two months." He pauses. "Well. Part of me does. I am telling that part to shut up. So, I mean. Video chat. But do I ask how she's doing? Do I jump right in? 'Sorry I was such a shitty person during the last part of our second year of high school and for almost two years afterwards. Forgive me?' Ugh." "What do you want out of the relationship?" * @Satoshi lets out a slow breath. "I actually do want her to forgive me, even though I know very well she has the right not to. I guess it's more... the promise of forgiveness. Someday. When she's ready. I want to be someone she can trust again. She was my best friend. I don't know if we can get back to that point, because I am, apparently, a person who's totally willing to abandon their best friend, but I want her to be able to trust me. I want..." * @Satoshi swallows. "I want to stop being afraid." "So what's wrong with just saying all that?" * @Satoshi blinks. "I... I don't know. I guess... I guess there's no reason not to just say that." * Kaede nods as doors open and he steps out onto the platform, cell still in hand. Amazing the reception's kept this long. "And you needed me for this why again?" <@Satoshi> [Amazing, that.] * @Satoshi smiles slowly. "Because learning to trust myself is an ongoing process, and sometimes I'm going to need some help from my friends to remind me of what I've apparently got." <@Satoshi> "Thanks, Kaede." * Kaede's tone gets back to friendly again. "Sometimes, you do need someone to remind you of who you are, Satoshi Watanabe." * @Satoshi closes his eyes. "That I do." His voice is very warm. "Well. Guess I'll be scheduling a video call with Katie in the near future, then." * Kaede nods. "Tell her to let me know how it goes. And to take it easy on you for being so indecisive you needed to call me and talk to me about it." * @Satoshi laughs. "I'm sure she'd have something to say about that." "She's Katie Andrews. Of course she will. Even if she doesn't actually say it out loud." * @Satoshi snerks. "Watch her think it loud enough for me to hear." Cross continental telepathy doesn't happen every day. <@Satoshi> Only on special occasions. * Kaede pauses, then adds, "I hate to cut you off but I'm at the apartment now. Akemi's waiting for me to make dinner." He pauses. "Or just wants to talk. I missed how late it was." * @Satoshi slowly sits up. "Right, then. Tell her hi for me." ....if I do that, she'll call you right away. You know that, right? <@Satoshi> Well, I did make you late for dinner. Maybe that should be my penance. * Kaede's voice is deadpan. "Yes. You sound like suffering now." * @Satoshi chuckles. "Such suffering. Anyhow. Thanks again." * Kaede nods on the other end and then replies, "Shoot me a email on how it goes. Just in case." <@Satoshi> Will do. [The phone cuts off on the other end. There's a few moments of lag time before Satoshi's phone rings again. Yes, in fact, it's Akemi. ""] [Session End]