[May 22, 2004, evening. The intermittent showers of the morning have left a dampness on the day, which has turned chilly with the fall of night. Earlier today, Wataru and Satoshi got domestic and cooked oyakodon, while having some interesting discussions about free will and cuteness. Tonight, Satoshi intends to call Haruko, something he's been meaning to do for a while.] [Session start!] * @Satoshi is back on the couch, laptop on lap, phone in hand. He actually checks to see if Kaede's available, but he isn't at the moment. He'll check back later. It's time to talk to Haruko, which yeah, he's been meaning to do for a while. It's just that now he's got some e-mails to talk about, too. * @Satoshi dials! * @Haruko is hanging out with some of the dancers waiting in line for a club. The night's young and she's sober and shivering a little as much of her arms and legs are exposed. She takes out her phone and looks at the caller, eyes widening slightly. "I may need to jet." She apologies to her companions as she takes the call and steps out of line. "Moshi moshi." <@Satoshi> Hey, Haruko. Do you have a little bit to talk? * @Haruko nods instinctually before giving a quick bow to her companions. "I do. Phone or want me to come to you?" She then covers the mic and says her people. "Sorry, this is important. Another night!" * @Satoshi hears a little bit of this. "Uh, phone is fine. I mean, I wanted to talk about today's e-mails, so that part can wait until you've gotten somewhere more private?" It's Saturday, and he's just called his most extroverted friend. It does make sense that she was out somewhere. [Haruko's companions make an array of pouty or grouchy faces, but do let her go with some degree of aplomb. It's a bit of a noisy street, but surely there is a quieter spot nearby?] * @Haruko gives another, deeper apologetic bowand heads off, waving behind her. "I'll find somewhere off the street or just get on my bike and pipe it through to my helmet." She then thinks for a moment. "How are you doing? That's a lot of news all at once." * @Haruko heads to her motorcycle, looking around for any small parks or not too sketchy looking alleys in the immediate environs. [There's a couple having what appears to be a heated argument in the nearest alley. There are other side streets up ahead, though, and she also remembers having seen a small park, just a postage-stamp of green space really, on the way here.] * @Haruko rolls her eyes at the alley scene and keeps walking. * @Satoshi shifts on the couch. "It was. It was... really unexpected. I'm still processing some of it." <@Haruko> That makes sense, there's a lot to think and feel through. * @Satoshi fidgets a little more. "I, uh... I really wish you hadn't used the word 'end,' though. You're not *wrong*, it's just... uh. Dire?" * @Haruko stops moving for a moment as her brain whirls into overdrive to recall exactly what she said. "Oh... I..." <@Satoshi> Because yeah, she scares me still. Maybe this really is a good faith gesture, but I'm scared that it's just part of some sort of plan, and she'll hurt us. <@Haruko> Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to get through to Takeuchi and I didn't think. * @Haruko glances around more frantically and begins to hustle to that park she passed on the way. [She spots it shortly! There's only four or five trees, a lamppost, and two benches in it, one of which is ocupied by a middle-aged salaryman who is sitting, hunched over and smoking, with a grocery bag at his feet.] * @Satoshi sighs. "I'm not sure that's the way to get to Kaede, either." He scoots his laptop onto the couch and pulls his feet up. * @Haruko's face twists into a snarl for a moment. Salaryman's presence is not particularly welcome. * @Haruko sighs. "Nothing I can say is the best way to reach Takeuchi. Sometimes it sort of works though." She thinks. "Park's not empty. Maybe I should just run to my bike." [Salaryman seems intent on his cigarette, not even registering her presence in any visible way.] <@Satoshi> Do you want to drive somewhere and call me back? <@Haruko> Yeah, sorta. I mean on the bike is good enough... I'm babbling, call you back! * @Haruko hangs up and breaks into a jog. * @Satoshi waits, stretching his legs out and looking around the apartment, casting a glance into the kitchen, the now-cleared table. * @Haruko gets to her motorcycle and hurriedly digs out her helmet. She turns on blutooth on her phone and upon hearing the connection sound on her helmet hurriedly calls Satoshi back. She's still a little short of breath as she does so. [The Salaryman finishes his cigarette, pulls a can of beer out of his grocery bag, cracks it open, and takes a determined slug. Looks like his evening is all planned out.] <@Satoshi> Welcome back. So, yeah, I... ugh, I don't know. This whole thing was startling and I really wish Kaede had told me first, but he didn't, and while I don't want to be shut out, and we should be prepared, I don't think this is the kind of thing we can *practice*. * @Haruko catches her breath a little. "Sorry, again, I parked by the subway to meet up with people." She thinks. "I... there's different ways to prepare. Like." She turns on the engine. * @Satoshi waits for her to continue. <@Haruko> I think there's two things. Like there's thinking through what you want to say. But also preparing yourself for what she might say to you. * @Satoshi lets out a bitter, involutary laugh. "You think I haven't played out conversations in my head with her for *years* now?" * @Haruko lets out a breath. "So it's not just me that does debates with mental models." * @Haruko doesn't drive to any particular place, she just follows the stream of small streets to the tributaries and rivers of larger roads. * @Satoshi was not expecting that and is slightly thrown. "No." He lets out a breath. "At this point I'm not even sure what I *want* her to say. But there's also no way we can *know*. Who's going to come up with that in your 'rehearsal?' Me? You?" <@Haruko> You know her. The rest of us don't. I know my models breakdown sometimes. And sometimes they break me down. There are things its hard to practice alone. I am fully behind coming up with a list of questions, and talking that list over, that sort of plan. It makes sense. But I don't think practicing is going to help us more than it hurts. * @Haruko smiles a little and shifts gears. "That is a good start." <@Haruko> Maybe I'm projecting some. Mental Katie spends a lot of time furious with me, when she's even talking to me. Mental Takeuchi crashes all the time. And sometimes I get stuck in cycles with them because they know all my vulnerabilities. Oh, yeah, she knows my vulnerabilities. Hell, she *made* a lot of them. <@Haruko> Right. And even if she's offering to talk in good faith, those might get hit. But just because she knows you, even if she believes what she saying, that doesn't mean it'll be the whole truth. Or even mostly the truth. She always believes what she's saying, and that what she's saying is right. <@Haruko> And you often doubt yourself. Even when you do the right thing. * Satoshi lets out a slow breath. "I've stood aside and let my friends get hurt when they shouldn't have far too many times. When sometimes it should have been me. Because I doubted myself too much, because I was afraid of doing the wrong thing. I don't want this to be one of those times." * @Haruko signals and weaves her way across three lanes, speeding and slowing by instinct, and makes an exit towards a different route that will give her intermittent minutes of riding alongside Tokyo Bay. * @Haruko nods. "And sometimes your doubts helped. But they should be tools for you, not for her." Haruko snorts. "After all that happened two years ago, and the ways she hurt you before that, she should have a lot of doubts aimed at herself too. And if she doesn't, then she's the farthest thing from right." * Satoshi snorts. "I can't see her doubting herself. It was bad enough when she was just my mom, but she's The World and she's been around for who knows how long and she's got some grand plan and maybe she's just been biding her time and this is it." * @Haruko shakes her head. "If this was all her plan, then her plan sucks." She leans into her bike. "You haven't had the chance to see your parent as you became an adult. The ways they do make mistakes or put on a brave face to sheild children when they don't know what they're doing." Her hands clench the handlebar. "You haven't had that chance because she failed you. Because she ran away. It doesn't matter how long she's lived or how much she knows, that's still true." * Satoshi sighs. "It's a pretty awful plan. And I mean... there's some part of me, I'm sure, that knows she's not some sort of all-powerful, all-knowing figure. But it's hard to find that part sometimes. Especially when I'm worried she's going to hurt my friends if they come. Even more so if she's doing it because she knows it'll hurt me." * @Haruko chuckles. "Satoshi. Satoshi, I put it badly im my email and I was so focused on Takeuchi I was cavalier with your feelings and failed to make my point." Her tone gets serious. "But she can't hurt us in the same way she can hurts you. If she's a monster there's a lot she can do, but we've faced monsters before together. Not that exact type, but we don't need *you to protect us.* We need to *protect each other* and to work out how to support you as you do what you need to do." * Satoshi is quiet for a moment. "Kaede may get frustrated with it sometimes, but we're a team. I *care* about you guys, you know. A lot. I worry that my screwing up in the past is going to make me screw up again in the future." He pauses. "But I'll be honest with you. Let's drop the idea of a rehearsal. I don't think it's a good one. And honestly, I don't think you were *wrong* in focusing on Kaede, but yeah, what you said in the e-mail did hurt." * @Haruko turns into a stretch of road she knows, one with a clear view down the bay. It's dark and vacant here but the water is illuminated by the reflections of the lights of Tokyo. She exerts just the slightest force mentally disturbs the surface of the water as she drives in parallel, soothing her mind as she feels it ripple. * @Haruko listens. "Agreed." She thinks for a moment. "If you ever want to share stories in addition to questions, we'll listen. But even if you don't, please know that your mental model Haruko should be there reminding you that she has seen you at your best and worst, just as you've seen her. And she believes in you. And that even when you screw up in the future, you'll learn and try to face it. Because despite what you think about yourself sometimes, you're brave, you try to face your mistakes, and we're lucky to have you on our team. And if your mother calls me a fool for believing that, then you can defend me by sticking up for yourself." * Satoshi smiles. "I'm lucky to have you guys, too. Really lucky." He stretches. "The World tried to keep me isolated and scared. She doesn't get to do that anymore. I'm stronger with all of you." * @Haruko smiles as well, shifting up in her seat. "No, she doesn't." [And so, with the reaffirmed Power of Friendship warming the both of them, Satoshi and Haruko continue their respective evenings feeling a little stronger than before.] [Session End!]