[Reproduction: This is actually an internal memo rather than a subject report. Don’t get used to getting uncensored documents.]

Memo: Communications Operational Security

All:

I have been monitoring compliance with our recent security upgrades. The results have reminded me why I prefer to work alone. Use of Shuffle Business Service accounts is specifically designed to simplify encrypted communication.

1)  Shuffle is a social media account. With appropriate supporting software, message text is unreadable to any but the intended recipient. That said, like most electronic communication methods, your communication does leave a meta-data trail. As most of you seem incapable of taking appropriate countermeasures, instead use the dedicated dummy accounts for business sensitive information and contacts.

2)  I do not know your password. I cannot decrypt messages if you have lost your private key. If I could do this, then so could intelligence of several leading nations. I am already trying to bend a protocols invented in a U.S. military lab (ARPANET, look it up) to enable genuinely secure communication, do not make my job harder or expect me to do yours.

3)  This past week, a business competitor demonstrated again the sophistication of their electronic warfare capability. Ensure the physical security of your devices. Do not hand them over to anyone you do not trust, and you should trust very few people. As a precaution and time saving measure, this morning I deleted any business sensitive information that was stored on your devices in an insecure manner. Do not be a data hoarder. What your devices do not know cannot hurt you. If you believe you are having a bad day because of this measure, imagine what your day would be like if you were responsible for securing the server recently breached by our competitor.

4)  All R-class business information will now be delivered by courier and stored only in paper form. Believe me, I find these archaic methods as annoying as you do. For those who prefer such methods, either explicitly or implicated based on their repeated failure to master security training, all confidential communications will be handled by this method.

Be careful out there – IT.

P.S. I did not destroy the insecure files. They are stored off network at the most geographically proximate physical data center. Don’t say I never did anything for you. ;)